1. Fight by mutual consent: Don't insist on a fight at a time when one of you can't handle this type of strain. A good fight demands two ready participants.
2. Stick to the present: Don't dredge up past mistakes and faults about which you can do nothing.
3. Stick to the subject: Limit this fight to this subject. Don't throw every other problem into it; take them at a different time.
4. Don't hit below the belt: In your lives together you discover each other's sensitive areas. Don't throw them at each other.
5. Don't quit; work it out: Bring the fight to a mutual conclusion. Otherwise, it will just recur again and again. One or both may need a time out to cool down, but do work it out.
6. Don't try to win, EVER: You actually lose by winning. If one wins, the other loses and begins to build resentment about this relationship. That destroys rather than builds the relationship.
7. Respect crying: It is a valid response to how we feel, but don't let crying sidetrack you. It is a response for men as well as women.
8. No name calling: Saying things you'll only regret later cause bitter feelings and do nothing to solve problems.
9. No violence: Physical violence violates all of the above rules for fighting by mutual consent.
Remember, a fight between a couple has the purpose of clearing the air and expressing deep feelings in order to build a more unified life. Keep your goal in mind--the goal of sharing your lives with each other.
WORDS WORDS WORDS
"No-No" Words
- "You never."
- "I told you so."
- "You always."
- "I don't want to discuss it."
- "When will you ever learn?"
- "How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Yes" Words
- "I'm sorry."
- "I need you."
- "Please help me."
- "I did wrong."
- "Thank you."
- "I love you."
- "I want to understand you."
RECOMMENDED READING
Resolving Family and Other Conflicts: Everybody Wins, by Mendel Lieberman & Marion Hardie
Fighting Fair: Family Mediation Will Work for You, by Robert Coulson
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, by Judith Wallerstein & Sandra Blakeslee
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix